literature

Freddy Fudge Fingers

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Eldritch-Turnip's avatar
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Literature Text

I met him in a roadside bar
on a rainy Friday night
His mustache grease was shining
and his eyes were twinkling bright

He whispered in my ear
that he liked my sister's mule
He said that if I'd take him home
he'd take me back to school

I ordered us a bottle
of the cheapest hooch they had
I whispered in his ear
that he reminded me of Dad

We danced until they kicked us out
into the sodden streets
And there we found a homeless man
who called himself "Bernice"

Bernice was drinking motor oil
and he offered us a taste
We kicked him in the balls and took it
so it wouldn't go to waste

A cop showed up and asked us
what the hell was going on
And then he asked politely
if he could sing us both a song

I asked if he could skip it
and give us both a ride to town
So then he started crying
and he dropped his trousers down

His plan to gain our sympathy
contained a fatal flaw
Those undies he was wearing
were my goddamn sister's drawers

It was then that I could name the man
who watched our house at night
It was right there written on his chest:
his name was "Officer Dwight"

"Give those back, you sum'bitch"
I yelled and shook my fist
He threw a ladies' shoe at me
but luckily he missed
I wrote this here magical-ass Country and Western-themed ballad for my buddy *The-Corpse in like 2005 or something and only just found it after digging through the giant gaping digital rectum that is the 'My Documents' folder on my desktop. I seem to remember it took me about as long to write as the amount of time it took me to actually physically type the words. I must have saved it to my hard drive because it was so awesome.

It's Sunday afternoon and I am only now beginning to emerge from the gloomy pall of another Godzilla-sized hangover. I think I'll need to take a dump soon, but I'm holding it off because I'm kinda scared of it, you know, 'cause I just know it's gonna be bad.

Oh yeah, and speaking of awesome, I thought it pretty much ruled how that French long jumper guy got nailed with a flying javelin the other day. Happy Bastille day indeed, motherfucker.
© 2007 - 2024 Eldritch-Turnip
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Eldritch-Turnip's avatar
It makes me sad that some people may not realize this is a poem by a man about another man. Oh well.