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A FACEFUL OF FUCK

SCREENPLAY BY JONNY UTAH



EXTERIOR - SOME PLACE IN THE OLD WEST - DAY

SLOW PAN over the desert. A scruffy-looking OUTLAW is busy unhitching his horse from a tree by a dried up waterhole. On the left-hand side of the screen in the extreme foreground we can see over the right shoulder of a tall MARSHALL, pointing a six-shooter at the OUTLAW. Only the angle of the MARSHALL's stubbly jaw can be seen beneath his wide-brimmed hat.

MARSHALL:
Hold it right there, varmint.

The OUTLAW looks up suddenly - fear, surprise, recognition and shame all flickering rapidly over his haggard features. The OUTLAW's horse lifts its tail and drops a chunk of shit out of its asshole with a plop.

MARSHALL:
We both knew I'd catch up with you some day... pard. And on that day I'd have to shoot you dead, 'else all them poor souls way back in Cooter Valley would never rest easy. But before I send a man to meet his maker, I gotta dress him up as a ballerina and watch him eat a dolphin in under four and a half minutes. It's just something m'pappy taught me gotta be done.

The MARSHALL holsters his gun, hauls a filthy ballerina costume from his saddle bag, unties a feebly twitching dolphin slung over the back of his horse, flings them both down in front of the OUTLAW and pulls an old pocket watch from his shirt.

MARSHALL:
Get busy, you cowpunching dirtbag. You got just under four minutes. Don't even think about runnin'.

The MARSHALL raps on the butt of his holstered revolver with a callused knuckle for emphasis and watches dispassionately as the OUTLAW struggles into the grubby leotard and tutu. The OUTLAW, now dressed as a ballerina, begins to eat the dolphin. The dolphin emits a faint gurgle from its blowhole.

CUT AWAY to time-lapse footage of a decomposing lemming for the next few minutes then CUT BACK to the unfolding drama.

The OUTLAW has eaten maybe a third of the dolphin. The MARSHALL checks his pocket watch for a moment and tucks it back into his shirt.

MARSHALL:
Time's up, shitheel.

The OUTLAW looks up, a chunk of dripping dolphin meat paused halfway to his mouth. The MARSHALL draws his six-shooter and blasts the top of the OUTLAW's head off in a crimson spray of gore. A flying shard of the OUTLAW's skull buries itself in a termite mound twenty feet away, demolishing the egg-laying chamber.

QUEEN TERMITE:
Fuck!

Seventeen-thousand tumbleweeds drift by.

The MARSHALL re-holsters his shootin' iron, does a triple back flip into the saddle, blows the dead OUTLAW a kiss and rides off into the sunset. The OUTLAW's horse drops another shit out of its ass.

THE END
:|
Add a Comment:
 
:iconndifference:
ndifference Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2010  Professional Writer
I laughed so hard I inhaled my minty tic-tac. Then I coughed so hard I farted. At work, damn you!
Reply
:iconardentmind:
ArdentMind Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2009  Student Filmographer
I would have endured scorching deserts and the tallest mountins just too see this so I could laugh my ass off... Nice work.:nod:
Reply
:iconartheeria:
Artheeria Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
:o
Reply
:iconpersistant:
persistant Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2009  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
An amazing screenplay.
I would not watch it.
But i would pretend to have watched it.
You know, for the indie cred...
Reply
:iconjoebostonphotography:
JoeBostonPhotography Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2008  Professional Photographer
Fuck yes.
Reply
:iconblood-stained-hands:
blood-stained-hands Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Professional General Artist
i think there should be a man eating pie on legs in there somwhere
Reply
:iconsoftlysoaring:
softlysoaring Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Why is there no more time for cake?
Reply
:iconrenegadellf:
Renegadellf Featured By Owner May 14, 2008
this shit is awesome, I've a camera and horses. Want to make it happen?
Reply
:iconjurassic-queef:
Jurassic-Queef Featured By Owner May 14, 2008  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
If you can get your hands on a dolphin, it's a done deal.
Reply
:iconrenegadellf:
Renegadellf Featured By Owner May 14, 2008
[link]

it can be done.
Reply
:iconjurassic-queef:
Jurassic-Queef Featured By Owner May 15, 2008  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Rad. I'll go mug a ballerina.

As for casting, might I suggest Tommy Lee Jones as the Marshall and Steve Buscemi as the Outlaw?

Or, failing that, the first two winos we can cattle-prod into the back of a van?
Reply
:iconrenegadellf:
Renegadellf Featured By Owner May 15, 2008
I've got a super hat for the first wino, and we'll just look for another bum that looks kinda funnier than most.
Reply
:iconmisaniovent:
Misaniovent Featured By Owner May 4, 2008
98% on rottentomatoes. Should be higher.
Reply
:iconmicroscheist:
Microscheist Featured By Owner May 3, 2008
Not to be a nitpicker or anything but I think it's 'faceful' not 'facefull'. But the writing, it reminds me of something; some long-ago event I've tried to block from my memory...
Reply
:iconjurassic-queef:
Jurassic-Queef Featured By Owner May 4, 2008  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
When you're right, you're right. I'd probably have noticed something like that if I weren't drunk all the time.
Reply
:iconreekzilla:
Reekzilla Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2008
i think i saw that in a movie, once
Reply
:iconniboswald:
niboswald Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2008
That is goddamn hilarious. Well done.
Reply
:iconalex-brown:
Alex-Brown Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
Your an egregious little fucker, aren't you?

I'm still wondering, though, how a ravaging drunk such as yourself can have such an advanced vocabulary.

If only all drunkards were intellectuals such as yourself.
Reply
:iconjurassic-queef:
Jurassic-Queef Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Back in high school I used to be able to shove my pinkie finger up my right nostril all the way to the last knuckle.
Reply
:iconwhiteforest:
WhiteForest Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
RIVETING.
Reply
:iconx3470:
X3470 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
that............was............THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER
Reply
:icontangerinevampire:
TangerineVampire Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008  Student Filmographer
I would totally watch this film.
Reply
:iconbeavisandbutthead123:
beavisandbutthead123 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
i really would pay to see this instead of sweeny-todd (just for comparison, i would never pay to see that, ever).

by the way, i just saw "lost highway" by david lynch, it's a pile of shit, i mean the way the character suddenly changes into some other guy is just a cheap way to make the movie look interesting, the first part was pretty good though but the inexplicable change of the whole story and character plus the appearance of gary busey totally fucked this movie up, really.

say do you know any mindfuck movie like jacob's ladder, the hour of the wolf or pi?
Reply
:iconbeavisandbutthead123:
beavisandbutthead123 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
i really would pay to see this instead of sweeny-todd (just for comparison, i would never pay to see that, ever).

by the way, i just saw "lost highway" by david lynch, it's a pile of shit, i mean the way the character suddenly changes into some other guy is just a cheap way to make the movie look interesting, the first part was pretty good though but the inexplicable change of the whole story and character plus the appearance of gary busey totally fucked this movie up, really.

say do you know any mindfuck movie like jacob's ladder, the hour of the wolf or pi?
Reply
:iconjurassic-queef:
Jurassic-Queef Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2008  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Try Cube and The Mouth Of Madness. Don't spoil the effect by looking them up on Wikipedia. Just rent 'em and watch 'em. Also, there's a French film called Blueberry which is pretty awesome if you dig psychedelic stuff.
Reply
:iconbeavisandbutthead123:
beavisandbutthead123 Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2008
i saw cube, it was decent but the cabin fever would've been alot worst if you just woke up in that thing with a bunch of people you don't know. cube 2 hypercube was deinotherium shit, i saw the trailer for cube 3 and i'm not gonna watch it.
Reply
:iconbeavisandbutthead123:
beavisandbutthead123 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2008
i saw in the mouth of madness, i heard about cube, i'll watch it and make a one sentece review when i'm done.
Reply
:iconbeavisandbutthead123:
beavisandbutthead123 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
didn't mean to send it 2 times, sorry.
Reply
:iconpheonx23:
Pheonx23 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
This would make a great short film I must say.
Reply
:icondamenisuru:
DameNiSuru Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
:heart:
Reply
:iconwastelandsofthemind:
wastelandsofthemind Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008  Student Writer
I would watch this movie once a week. Just for shits and giggles.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008  Professional Writer
filmed in a very artsy b&w? yeah. i'd pay to see it.
Reply
:iconjurassic-queef:
Jurassic-Queef Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks, dude. Pick somethin purty out of a gardening catalog and I'll buy it for you. :heart:
Reply
:iconugly-nancy:
ugly-nancy Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
nice
Reply
:iconantiswanky:
antiswanky Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2008
Listen.
This needs to be filmed.
Reply
:iconndean:
NDean Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2009   Writer
I concur, belatedly... because Ive only just found this
Reply
:iconqraisibot:
QraisiBot Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2010
i also concur, even more belatedly, for the same reason.
Reply
:iconlucidia-the-crusader:
Amen to that.
Reply
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